Somewhere

I've been thinking a lot about the Philippines lately. I was only there until I was 8 but I miss it a lot. I went through a lot in those 8 years and lately all those little flashbacks have been coming back. Particularly all the times my mom and I moved around. We had the one place we called home which was an apartment building in Manila that she and her siblings inherited from their parents. We lived in a bunch of cities and provinces but we always came back to that place. It was home, which is why I have the address tattooed on my body.

I don't really know why my mom moved us around a lot. Now that I think about it, I feel like my mom was on a constant search for happiness. When I think back on our experiences, I feel like we would be living somewhere for a bit and when she felt like she wasn't happy anymore or if something went awry, she would decide that it wasn't the place for us and she would pack us up and off we went. It wasn't like she ran away from problems or anything... though that's what it sounds like. She just liked to live where the vibes were positive. I guess that's where I get it from in the sense that I choose where to place myself or who to be friends with based off the vibes I get. My mom was kind of a hippie that way I guess.

I remember when I was about 3 or 4 (and yes, I can remember that far and sometimes even further back) we were living at this bar/restaurant place. They had housing for their employees near the spot. It was cool because it was like a hut and shit. I don't remember how we got there or how she even got the job. She ended up being the head chef at this spot and all the employees LOVED me. They'd let me run around the restaurant and at night when the dancefloor was on and poppin and the music would be playing, I'd be dancing around. I even remember being the one to give the patrons their checks and saying shit like "Thank you, did you guys like the food? my mom made it" in Tagalog of course. Then one night my mom packed me up in the middle of the night, we got in a tricycle and we went to the bus station. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I was in my aunt's bed in Laguna. At the time, I was like well, I guess we're staying here now. I didn't mind because everytime my mom and I moved somewhere, it was an adventure. I do kind of wonder why we left the restaurant though.

Aside from that memory of moving, I have a few more. When people ask me where in the Philippines I was from, I say everywhere and I really do mean everywhere. I lived in the city, I lived in provinces, I lived near a farm... I even lived in a beach house and met all different kinds of tourists. Like I said, my mom was in constant search for something. Was it happiness or maybe she couldn't decide where it would be best for us to live...? I know that if it hadn't been for her sister having cancer and my mom didn't have to move to Chicago, we would've stayed in the Philippines. And now that I've been reflecting on these things, it explains why this song is her and my dad's song. But I don't think this is their song, I think she meant it for us. I miss you, Amy.

There's a place for us

Somewhere a place for us

Peace and quiet and open air

Wait for us somewhere

There's a time for us

Someday a time for us

Time together with time to spare

Time to learn, time to care

Someday, somewhere

We'll find a new way of living

We'll find a way of forgiving somewhere

Yes, there's a place for each of us

A place of peace and quiet

And we must try to persue this place

Where love is like a passion that burns like a fire

And also fulfillment of two hearts' desire

Let our efforts be as determined as that of a little stream

That saunters down the hillside seeking its level

Only to become a huge river destined to the sea

Yes, there's a place for us

Somewhere a place for us

Hold my hand and were halfway there

Hold my hand and I'll take you there

Somehow, someday

Somewhere

Hold my hand and were halfway there

Hold my hand and I'll take you there

Somehow, someday

Somewhere

gold mine (?)

before a much needed girl's night out two saturdays ago, two of the best girls on the planet and i sat around with our poison of choice. of course you know, the best conversations happen during gutterfly pre-juice time.

me: i don't know, maybe i'm too much of one of the boys for anyone to notice me

r: are you crazy? what the fuck are you talking about?

me: i don't know. i'm like, not enough of a girl on a regular basis. i talk a lot of shit and i don't know... you know... sometimes i don't know how to be a girl anymore.

r: are you kidding? marie, you're a gold mine. you can chill with the best of 'em and you're beautiful and you're an amazing girlfriend -- whoever lands you hits the jackpot.

would it be hitting the jackpot though?

let's break it down:

i'm around guys all the time. who would want a girlfriend whose circle consists of 95% percent guy friends? that number is not an exaggeration either. my friends will always be on deck to tell me when a nigga is about to treat me like a nigga. and i love them for it. but can you imagine what that would be like for the guy -- whoever he is. because for real, no one and i mean NO ONE is trippin off me these days -- he can't sweet talk me, he can't lie to me. i got everything decoded for me already. i'm playing the game with a marked deck, know what i'm sayin? and for some guys, to not be able to play games with a girl is a no go. and another issue, how would you feel if your girl is around dudes 24/7 and i mean 24/7. i live with two guys. you feel me? it's hard to get a guy to believe that nothing is going on. even though there is REALLY NOTHING GOING ON. he's always going to think shit like -- guys and girls can never be on a platonic level with no sexual interest (wrong, cuz i'm living proof) or what if she walks out the shower in her towel, i don't want a bunch of other dudes lookin at my girl. lol guys are so territorial.

and another thing! i've gotten so comfortable with guys that i'm almost always in my chill clothes. you know, sweats and a hoodie. no one wants to look at a girl in her sweats all the damn time. lol people are shocked as fuck when they see me about to go out hair all done, makeup on point. motherfucker, i bullshit like you, i can out-drink most of you, hit that bowl harder than you -- but i clean up nice. just saying.

besides these things, i mean i have my own issues with it too.

i can love like only a woman can but at the same time i can be as emotionally unavailable as a man. because of all the shit i've seen and all the shit i know (on top of all the shit i've been through), i've built a wall so high and so strong that no one can break through or get over. it would take a very patient, very special guy to do so. you understand this dwindles my options to about slim to non-fucking-existent. so i'm pretty much fucked in that department.

with all that said... i like who i am, who i choose to associate myself with (even if it is 95% testosterone 5% estrogen) and if takes the rarest guy on the planet and it takes years for me to find him. then i'm ok with that. now if you can handle a girl who

... will tell you the truth even if it hurts

... you can't bullshit when it comes to the serious shit

... will laugh when you fall off the couch and bust your ass (c'mon, that's funny)

... will probably end up becoming friends (and just friends) with your boys

... has a mouth like a trucker, a liver like a tito, and lungs like wiz (ok maybe not like wiz)

i'm accepting applications. because as much work as it sounds to be able to deal with me, my girlfriend characteristics are pretty much on point. you'll just have to try to get over the wall to see what that's like.

oh and btw, thank you to my girl for making me think about this

and making me feel beautiful inside and out.

that friend.

i've been thinking about this for quite some time now.

i was at my friend's husband's birthday get together and i was in a bedroom talking with my vip (aka the girls i do, have always, and always will forever love to death). subject at hand: breast pumps. and of course the only one without a kid, i was lost in the conversation. mind you, it was also awkward because my friend was there with one titty out (she had a blanket over it ok) making wincy faces while she was pumping milk. sorry, i know, tmi. i had nothing to contribute to the convo and was standing there cracking jokes to make it less weird for myself. i felt left out.

a few days later, another friend of mine whom i met freshman year in highschool during gym (oh, the irony) was telling me about her husband.

she was talking about "don't tell anyone, but he has a bedside hairbrush."

with my famous sarcastic tone, i reply "he brushes his hair before going to sleep?... what? the standard 100 strokes? hawhaw"

with our famous wtf-do-you-think look and a dead serious voice she says "oh yes. 100 times."

and i got to thinking -- more like noticing -- i am the only one out of all my close friends that isn't married or at least in a steady relationship. i'm that friend. that friend that you see in those t.v. shows or in movies that needs to get it together. the last single friend. no responsibilities of having another life to take care of. i mean that part is good, because let's face it, i can barely take care of myself. but i'm like that friend that they have to be there for. the one that's always got the drama. i'm like that sister in those dyfunctional family holiday movies that you just look at the dinner table and think, why can't she just get it together? and honestly...

i don't know how i got here.

i mean, i know it's not bad being single. the loneliness and having to hear about other people being in love when you're not part sucks sometimes. and don't get me wrong, i love hearing about people being in love and especially about my friends being happy and in love. seeing them glow makes me happy, it really does. but sometimes, you know, you're just like -- well wtf? i wish i had husband or boyfriend with some weird ass habit i can share with my girls. LOL i know, right?

and it's not just with relationships either. career-wise? oh please. i'm so far from having it together that i've run out of quarters to feed the view-finder. i can't see it anymore. i feel like my career life is in this weird grey area where i keep on having to start over.

again, don't get it twisted.

i'm not saying i hate my life entirely.

i'm not saying i'm jealous of my friends. because i'm 1000%, head over heels, genuinely happy for them.

i'm just saying that, for once, i would love some stability. i don't even need to be married. shit, i don't know even know if i buy into the whole marriage thing. i can just goldie hawn it for the rest of my life and i'd be fine. i would just like to come home to something normal. i would like to not have to analyze a text message to death to see "where we are". when my girls ask me so how are things with so and so, i would like to not have to begin with: oh, let me telll you... --LMAO --

i don't even need to have a career right now either. it's just... some direction would be nice. just a path that i could follow and not have to worry about where my tomorrow lies. i guess you can say i brought this on myself. i should've been more responsible growing up. stuck to the books. high school. college. move out. married. kids. should've been in that order.

but i mean, what can you do? i'm a free-spirit (or i'd like to think i am) who didn't like to be told what to do. who didn't want to stick around my parent's house in the midst of all that drama. i did what i wanted to do and i did it by myself. which is the good part in all this. i can look at my life and think yeah, i'm experiencing a lot... on my own.

but sometimes... the stability.

oh, the stability. how i crave it. i'd love to experience sailing on calm waters and not worry what type of shit-storm is up ahead. i wonder what my life would've been like if i had stuck to what i call the cookie cutter life. god, imagine that? marie? in a steady job with a house and timely paid bills? what?

but you know what, right now? i'm fine being that friend.

because even though i don't have that stability and i don't have stories about boy hair habits and breast pumps... i have stories about the craziness in my life. i'll have stories to share with my nieces and nephews (mostly nephews, could one of you guys pop out a girl? who am i supposed to pass my fashion knowledge down to? and the shoes?) when they get older. or i mean, god forbid, i have a child -- imagine all the things i can share.

i mean, being that friend is pretty cool too.

but you know, i'm just sayin.

square one

you know when a girl meets a guy and she can't get his smile out of her head? or when he can't stop thinking about how her face looked when she greeted him with a "nice meeting you"? it's like the stars have aligned and said "look... here she is... here he is... now you two go make some damn magic". and for awhile they do. random texts, phone calls at work just to check how each other's day is going... dare i say it? facebook flirting. i mean, it all starts with an add and a poke right? dinners, movies, that first kiss...

square one never looked and felt so good.

but you know, things get in the way. she's not ready and he's too ready.

fail.

back to square one.

they take it slower and she finally opens up and takes her wall down. let's him in emotionally and eventually physically. "that's what i was waiting for" he says... and she's laying there thinking "what the fuck does that mean?" trying her best not to make her famous stank face. but you know she's going to analyze that shit to death. why? because it's a confusing thing to hear. oh, and because she's a girl and that's what girls do. so now she's ready to give all the attention he was asking for. all the affection she's been wanting to give. only now he's cold. she's lucky if she even gets a tweet reply. geezus, when did social networks start playing such an important role in a relationship? did you see his status? what does that mean? bitch, get over yourself, not everything is about you. that probably wasn't for you. why did she post that on her wall? dude, maybe she just likes that song. won't make a big deal about it. by the way, this whole facebook/twitter thing is getting out of control. why do i need to feel rejected via text, twitter, email, IM, AND facebook? (he's just not that into you -- drew barrymore complains about technologically being dumped. remember that? true story tho. amen girl) anyway, back to our couple here...

BUT YO... THIS IS STILL SQUARE ONE

-- just with sex. this is worse than square one, it's about a fucking half step before square one. because now she's confused, is he still into her? or is this just a booty thing? which is fine if that's the case. just that, and this goes out to the guys... if it's just a sex thing, you need to tell her. some guys are always so afraid to be truthful when telling a girl how deep (or how shallow) they are willing to take the relationship. you never know, some girls might be just fine sexin' you with no emotional attachment. sometimes we need to know where our emotional boundaries are for our own self-preservation -- and for your sake too. i mean, so that way y'all don't have to worry about breaking our hearts and making us cry. cuz so many of you are soooo worried about that shit right? i'm playing. we just need to know so that we can tuck our feelings away somewhere and we don't end blurting some crazy shit out sounding like some psycho non-girlfriend. and vice versa too. ladies, if you need to tell dude it's just sex. do it. guys have feelings too. i don't care how many "bitches" they fuck and leave -- you know how he thug em, fuck em, love em, leave em, cuz he don't fuckin need em? sometimes shit gets real for a guy too. remember that.

but anyway, tangents.

the whole point of this post is this -- to my friend: square one's not that bad. remember all of the square ones you've survived. the one after that guy that cheated on you and broke your heart?you picked yourself up and made your way all the way to square like 80. remember that square one's ass you kicked after you lost your job? that wasn't so bad right? you found yourself a new grind and it made you happier. people are always looking at square one as the beginning of a struggle. the bottom part of the fall from the top. i'm trying to look at it as a new beginning. the step where you can make that first decision all over again so that you can't prevent yourself from fucking up. you can make that decision to openly discuss how far you want this relationship to go so that you're on the same page. you can make the decision to just chill and let it happen instead of trying to force it like you did before. OR you can make that decision to leave all the pieces on this square one and move on to the next one. you see, life is trial and error. there's no perfect plan. no step by step manual to a perfect love. you just gotta take every square one and try to make better decisions til you get that shit right for you.

smell ya later, 2010.

in no particular order:

• winston month
• meetings with rox
• k&m monday fun days
• gutterfly nights with kay & mari
• "go to bed, jason!" (sorry for the millionth time)
• foodie adventures with my favorite foodie partner, you know who you are
• hiromi's
• fucking shit up with wacktacula (when he got home)
• drunken skype
• the abbey. bradley. dear summer. goodlife.
• nightmare on elm street. friday the 13th. halloween. movie nights.
• hanging out with my lazy (but smokin hot) best friends, lisi & rubi
• the bone thugs show
• random papa roach show
• lunches with bern. smokes with jun. days of unemployment.
• ate jie
• baby noah =)

and my absolute favorite thing about 2010:

igniting new friendships and extinguishing old drama. this year wasn't all that great. infact, some parts of it made me want to die a million deaths but it wasn't all terrible. i'm truly thankful for all the people i met this year (and trust me, that was a lot) and all the friends that stuck with me. you guys helped me survive and i love you. and i'm also thankful that some people from my past and i were able to put everything behind us and start fresh (or the closest to fresh as possible). like the wise and illustrious kayleigh once told me "we're all just on this planet to meet and learn from each other" she's absolutely right. so everybody love everybody.

so a big thank you and a big fuck you to 2010 at the same time.

2011 is gonna be the shit

dance like no one's watching

i had quite an interesting little saturday night. i ended up going to dinner in chinatown (soupy dumplings nom nom nom!) and ended up going to some random dance party. ok, it wasn't really so random. i was bamboozled into going. i tagged along with my friends with the idea that i was going to see a live show. everyone knows how i feel about live music. anyway, so we get there and my friend who was ahead of me hands the lady $5 and says "we're here for the dance party." my dumb remedial ass is thinking: dance party? cool band name. yeah, i get that slow sometimes. shut up.

we get there and it was this live jazz show. so by now, i'm totally confused. but i love jazz so it's all good. after the show (and i wish i could remember the name of the band because they're amazing), we go outside for a smoke and come back in to find the lights off... spinning disco ball... and funk blasting through the speakers. my friend says "man, now i feel like snorting coke" that should give you an idea of the vibe. lmao.

everyone just started dancing.

it wasn't like your normal club setting either. well at least not normal for me. i mean you can probably imagine that i'm often at a club that plays hip-hop, house... i don't know why you would imagine that. but that's the kind of place i normally go to to dance. i'm not gonna lie, at first, i thought most of the people in there were "bad" dancers. and i use "" because it's the general definition of a bad dancer. like you know, no real rhythm... awkward movement. later on i realized that everyone in there was just having pure fun. pure dancing fun. like not the kind of dancing where people are grinding on each other (eww) or dancing to appease anyone else but themselves. it was the kind where you just let the music move you. it was kind of amazing really. and by the way, i arrived at this realization when they played afrika bambaataa & the soul sonic force's planet rock and i just rocked with my friends like we haven't done in a long time. no care in the world, absolutely oblivious of our surroundings and just... danced. completely drama free setting. it was pure fun. i already said that.

i wish everyday was like that where i didn't have to stress about anything and just chill the fuck out (heh). feel free to do whatever my little heart desires. wouldn't that be amazing?

thank you, tom for taking us there. =)

let your soul lead the way

i suck at this game.

i couldn't finish the 30-day blog challenge. i'm thinking about cheating and waiting for november 10 to start on day 10. haha. lame, i know. whatever. i really wish i could be a more active blogger. i probably will be since i've just learned someone else whose blogs i love to read is coming back. yeayuh.

in other news...

work is kinda kicking my ass. actually, i don't really mind the work. it's really just the hectic nature in which my boss operates. read: bitch cuh-razy. i mean, i work 8:30 til whenever i finish ...sometimes on time at 5:30 sometimes at 7:30 like wtf?.. and i don't even get paid overtime on the weekdays. oh and did i mention i work from 9-5 on saturdays? i mean, i'm bound to slip and make a mistake once in awhile. sheesh. gimme a break. blah. i'm not gonna go on and on because y'all don't have 5 hours to sit and read about this shit. i'm just stressing about work. and i think i'm underpaid. jus' sayin.

aside from work, things at home are just lovely. seriously. i love being around my roommates and it helps my mental health especially when i come home after a long day. you guys should follow them on twitter: fayzegl and bdabusiness. yeah i live with two dudes. two of the best dudes in the world. we're like a ghetto dysfunctional version of three's company.

so that's my little update. i'm trying to find time to blog and i'm trying to find some shit to blog about so sit tight. i might also start doing video logs. get ready for my annoying voice.

love yous.

um, hi

i know, i've been really bad at updating. i pretty much have had nothing to say lately... well nothing pleasant, really. but i swear, i have something in the works. there's a topic that i've been thinking of a lot lately. like seriously, sometimes i think about it all day. as soon as i organize all these thoughts, i'll write something. i've also been thrifting... a lot (wassup, miss chapman!) and i've been meaning to take pics of my purchases. i will soon. well that's all i wanted to say, really.

stay classy, bitches.

greenlight.

it's motherfuckin' friday.

thank you, baby jesus. this week was kind of reaaaally long. long like going to hopleaf with the goodlife fam feels like 3 weeks ago and that was last friday. oh the situations i put myself in this week. *sigh* i had a great birthday though... for the most part. but that was my own fault. anyway, it was fun and beautifully reckless. pics soon.

oh, tonight is goonie's performance at club v. if you're in chicago, come by. if you know me personally, hit me up. let's go! here's the flyer (made by yours truly)




this post really doesn't have any substance, i know. except for the gooniej/goodlife thing. i just wanted to say i'm thankful this motherfuckin week is over. happy friday!

off to see my bernz for our weekly jess cafe! yeah!

just a random update...

...because i feel the need to write something. now, prepare your pretty little faces cuz this shit is all over the place.

first of all, this weekend with the whole bradley u thing was waaaay above and beyond what j and i hoped for. all the prep work, the late nights were so worth it. i just want to say i'm so proud of everyone. bdbusiness, goonie j, jus'sam, & los for killin it on stage. and of course, jason. i'm proud of you and everything you're pushing for. you already know all this sentimental shit. thanks for letting me be a part of it. it was dope to see you guys doing your thing and building relationships w/ the other artists. that hotel room scene was mind blowing. the whole thing was quite an experience really. the first of many. and peoria, thank you. my liver is all shriveled up. it's cool though cuz when goodlife makes it big, i'm sure j will buy me a new one =) *btw, that pic is from the abbey. not bradley u. those are comin up.

in other news, i've been learning quite a lot lately. i'm starting to trust my instincts and take my own advice. so i'm learning that i can trust myself. i know sometimes i'm on that hypocritical shit cuz i'll advise someone to do something and i myself wouldn't do it. but lately when my friends come to me and i break it down it's like *lightbulb* maybe i should do that too. i'm sure everyone who reads this (whattup to all 5 you... heeeeey) already knows that i recently became single. now, if you didn't already know, i don't deal with endings too well. i always feel such a huge loss. and don't get me wrong i did feel quite a loss but i'm ok. i'm learning it's ok for things to end if it means it'll be better for the two of us in the long run. and it has been better for me. i'm taking care of myself, finding out what i want, having fun... which means i'm less stressed and i'm happy. i mean it's a different kind of happy from being with him but this is good too. and i know he's happier too so... everyone wins. plus, we're still friends. as i am with all my other exes. i'm not really huge on holding grudges. one of my best qualities is that i'm able to forgive. life's too short to be mad at everyone.

got a few things going on this month. it's my mom's 3-year anniversary this weekend. maybe we can just sit around and drink... like we do every year. my birthday is coming. jesus christ. my past few bdays have been drama-filled and this year, that's just unacceptable. other than that, these next few weeks should be quite productive. i'm putting together my portfolio for all the world to see and fixing up 16thirtyone.Com so i can offer my services. i got a couple logos to work on for people. i'm gonna be a busy little bee. and i'm gonna start right now cuz i, for some reason, woke up at 5 am and i can't go back to sleep.

-marie

on that girly shit

it's about that time... every year i go through it. no, not the phase where i want to sit at the computer and design 24/7 (although i really do need to do that). not that thing where i wanna buy all the kicks in the city. sans employment, it's safe to say that i'm out of the shoe game for awhile if not permanently. people are ruining the game for me, lol. i'm talking about that time of the year when the grass is green again. flowers are poppin' up. the breeze is cool on my face and not butt freezing cold. the city is pretty and it makes me want to be pretty too. it makes me want to wear pretty clothes and create pretty things.

what the fuck are you talking about, marie?

all winter i've been scrubbed out... wearing sweats, hardly any makeup, hair all in a messytail. every spring i change up my style. experiment with new wardrobe, have more fun with my hair and makeup, and i love to do a bunch of DIY projects. I've been watching a lot DIY on youtube and falling in love with new fashion/makeup blogs so, i'm pretty inspired.

watch out, readers (assuming there's more than one) cuz you'll be seeing a few fashion/makeup/craft project posts. and watchout roomiehomeyfriend cuz i will be fighting with you for bathroom time. it's the only room in the house with ample lighting and a mirror. Unless of course you hang my full length for me *hint hint*

'til next time... may the new spring air mend broken hearts, turn frowns upside down, and breathe new life into your our creativity.

peace, bitches.

-marie

p.s. This song always enhances my springtime experience. heh.

playing hide n' seek

not the traditional game that we all know and love. more like hiding in my little hole (from my friends, the blog, what have you) because i'm trying to look for the right way, the right words to express how i've been feeling lately. and just in case you're remedial, that's the seek part. that was harsh. whatever. i always look for the right words to say as to not reveal too much of myself. the right words as to not hurt anyone because in all honesty, that's the kind of person i am. i would rather pent it all up and hurt myself than hurt those around me. but as long as we're being honest here: if the people you are trying to protect don't give a shit about hurting you, then what the fuck?

so here it is, not more hiding. no more seeking to find more delicate words to sugarcoat because what's the point?

these past few months, i've felt every emotion in the book. love to hate. appreciated to just plain used. from blessed to cheated. cheated in a sense that i feel like i'm not getting back even half of what i put out there. yeah, yeah, we should love our friends and family unconditionally without expecting a reward. but damn, how about to the point where you get tired of giving or being there cuz guess what? when you need something or someone just to be there, where the hell is everyone? suddenly phones aren't working. people are too busy? what the hell? "i got problems ain't nobody callin' back, so what the fuck is happenin w/ my ballin cats?" damn, i feel that. on the other end of the spectrum, there are people who came and caught me when i was falling and these were people i didn't expect. as he says "shit came out of nowhere, huh?" call it good luck, good timing... i'm just relieved they were there when i was about to go SPLAT... and for that i feel blessed.

and i always say this. it would be easier if my mom were around but i'm beginning to accept (finally) that she isn't. i can't just hit 2 on my phone (cuz you know, 1 is voicemail) and ask her what i should do or make her listen to me just cry. i'm just going to have to face the fact that i really do have to face everything without her. she was right all those years we fought when she said "you'll be sorry when i'm gone".

at this point, i'm kind of exhausted. mentally and physically. i can't even feel anything anymore. i can't even write, i can't even visualize anything creative. because of that other people, not just me, are paying the price. i've promised people i would design things, put together a website for them and i haven't been able to deliver. and if you read this, and you know who you are, i'm deeply sorry. at this point, i'm just hoping i've felt every bad thing i'm supposed to feel so that healing can start.

who's coming with?

ok for real, who wants to go with me? the only downside is, i'd have to go back to the infamous congress theater where the experience was no bueno when we went to see the roots. of course, that's when sherwin fell in looooove with me. haha just kidding. he did pretend to be my boyfriend and apologize to everyone around us when my hot mess drunken ass spilled someone's beer and knocked over someone's popcorn. thanks, darling. also the the night of the confusing cigarette kiss... hahah oh shit, remember that?? ok this is getting a little soul-baring. the point is...

who's down to go??

blah.

i wanted to write this big update... then i wanted to write something personal... now i'm kind of just in one of my emo, sad holes and i don't feel like coming out. however, i really should do something therapeutic in order to be able to get myself out of this hole. so, i'm going to stare at some coding for hours. it's like meditating for me.

ps. thinking about doing some vlogs. i hate my voice though, so we'll see how it pans out.

miss amy

my co-worker was telling me about how her mom gave her two pounds of this salad she liked from jewel and it made me think of my mom. how she'd know what to get for me at the grocery store, at the drive-thru, or even at the randomest store (she'd buy me a little random knick knack she found amusing because she knew i would find it funny too). she used to separate my picadillo from the rest of the batch before she added raisins cuz she knew i hated them. she would set aside a portion of any dish that contained liver before she added it cuz she knew liver made me gag.

she knew what i liked to eat, how i liked to be treated when i was on my emo bullshit, who i didn't want to talk to (without even asking me), which jokes would make me laugh, what to say to make my worries go away, how to tell me i was being a crazy idiot without calling me a crazy idiot, how to hug me so that I wouldn't feel alone... she just knew me.

i miss amy.

updates & bullsh*t

before i get started, i'd just like to say that my weekend definitely made up for my crappy week of being sick. i got to spend time with some old friends and of course the VIP. i got to eat awesome food that i've been craving (i have to go back to san soo gab san for the bbq....mmmm). i would post the food pics on here but all of those are on facebook. but anyway... of course, let's not forget the pacquiao fight. that was a whole case of whoop ass right there.

so friday i had lunch with my bernz... always a fun time. we ate at tampopo because i was craving ramen (i'm always craving noodle soup) and we always eat japanese. for real, korean next time. after lunch we ended up shopping for "face crap" cuz for some reason both of our faces were working against us. fucking breakouts. ugh. anyway so we went to the face shop at hmart because i wanted to pick up some of those sheet masks that i keep reading about. i saw them at walgreens for 2 for $5 the night before but i knew they'd be cheaper and they would have a bigger selection at hmart. so we went and i picked up the pearl sheets for clearer skin. i'll talk about them towards the end of this entry. after that, we went to target to buy skin toner. we ended up just getting the oil of olay one for $3 cuz we were to lazy to stand there and pick. I also ended up getting yellow nail polish (i have like 3 of them and i hate the way the yellow comes out, i hope this one turns out good) and a couple of studio tools eyeshadow brushes. they're aight. i'm still mourning the loss of my precious posh dual ended crease/blender brush. so sad. seriously, that bitch disappeared into thin air. anyways, it was a fun day. the girl is a ball of energy. like her "normal" would be my "hyper. ridiculous.

friday night, sherwin and i stayed in cuz we were still sick. plus, modern warfare came out so he bought it and played while i worked on some graphics. i'm telling you, being able to be in the same room and not do the same thing is a sign of a good relationship. after his playing the game and my staring at the monitor made our headaches bigger, we caught up on our curb episodes. i can't wait for the reunion episode. saturday afternoon i finally got to go to san soo gab san for korean food. i was happy. we picked up winston from his brother's place. nice relaxing afternoon with my boys =)

last night of course was FIGHT NIGHT *does the tinikling*. rod and i ended up going to a bar called four shadows. we thought we'd be getting there early at 7:30 cuz it wasn't the main even yet. wrong. it was packed and we couldn't get a table. good thing i ended up spotting this corner by a ledge so we would at least have somewhere to rest our drinks. we also ended up getting food. we got tater tots at first which was ok cuz i mean, i didn't mind supporting the basket. later on we got the mini-burgers and shit got complicated. we had to borrow a tray and rest it on an empty trash can that was next to us. yes, it was that packed. anyway, great fight. i'm not going to write about it cuz you can youtube it, yahoo it, and espn it so... there. let's just say all the screaming i did scared the guy behind me who was rooting for cotto. also all that screaming was not good for my throat. after that, we went to sherwin's house where everyone was faded and happy. great night. stop hiding, mayweather.

ok so about this face thing... i've been breaking out on my cheeks it's really annoying. My skin looks like shit. It's my own fault though because I'llt ake care of my skin for like 2 weeks til it clears up and then I'll neglect it. The way I take care of my skin is just lots of water and avoiding bad food which i should be doing regardless but let's not discuss it. anyway, i don't even really have a skin regimen. i just take off my eyemakeup and the rest of my face just waits til the morning shower. LOL I KNOW, I KNOW!!! anyway so now i'm making an effort. i'm using the st. ives apricot scrub (which i used when i was younger), olay toner, and olay beauty fluid. AND i picked up those sheet masks from the face shop. i used on friday night and #1, it felt and smelled soooo good. i love cold things on my face so i relaxed with it on. i actually even dozed off for a few minutes. after taking it off, my skin was a little on the sticky side but after a few more minutes (i guess after all the product sunk into my pores) my skin was sooo soft. i didn't even use a moisturizer cuz i wasn't sure if i'm supposed to. anyway, i woke up the next morning and my breakout was half gone, the little bumps were flat, and even my pores seemed smaller. i'm gonna use it regularly.... probably like twice a week. i wish i took a before pic cuz after just 2 days of paying attention to my skin, it's already noticeably clearer. YAY.

anyways, that's all for now. holy shit, this became longer than i wanted. toodles.

just for the hell of it.

this is actually sherweezy's hand. i took the pic winter of '07 while he was fuckin around on he tables. for "fuckin' around" he sounded pretty damn good. anyways, sprinkled a little photoshop magic and a dash of illustrator and *BAM* a new graphic for the GoodLife collection.

gettin ill.

Fuck my immune system. Ever since I was a kid my immune system is my worst enemy. I used to have asthma attacks off of every little thing, getting tonsilitis and laryngitis all the damn time, and while I lived in the Philippines I was in and out of the hospital like every month. I was just a sickly kid.

I'm still sickly. I get sick everytime the weather changes. I get sick when I get allergies so crazy that the sneezing and runny noses turns into chest congestion and BOOM BOOM POW - fever town.I always feel it too. My throat gets a certain itch that's like a red flag--uh oh its coming. My waterline gets red and my eyelids feel hot. And when I get sick, boy, I GET SICK. Like bedridden, irritable, can't move, my joints hurt, and when I shower the water feels like needles pricking my skin. Last time I got sick it hurt so much that I was crying in the shower. It sucks so bad being me sometimes (I don't care if that's negative, you've never been in my slippers while I'm sick). Maybe I'm just being a big baby cuz I know for a fact people out there are suffering worse than me. But having the flu, sore throats, and fevers at least 4 times a year for 25 years has given me the right to complain don't you think?

Well I got sick last month and I just fully got over it a week ago. Guess fucking what? Your girl is sick again! I feel the lids getting hot. This time though its the sickness I HATE. It's the one I get every year where I cough and cough forever. I'm coughing up all kinds of fluids and it hurts. Plus, my chest feels like I am having an asthma attack. Oh and I'm walking around wheezing. Damn it.

Getting fucked up friday did it I think. We stood out in the cold for a long time too. We partied in Naperville with Sherwin's co-worker. They don't play around in Naperville. You think you're just gonna kick it with the one 40oz? No, bitch, you're gonna have TWO. We had loads of fun but didn't make it home and just ended up crashing at their place. Well in the middle of night I started getting real hot and having cold sweats. I woke up the next day and I was coughing and wheezing my ass off.

Fast forward to sunday, had an awful time at work so just went to Sherwin's to chill. He said he wasn't feeling well so we took a nap. I woke up thinking "why the hell is it so hot in this bed???" I reach over to wake him up and he was burning! He had a crazy fever going on and I could feel mine beginning. I was sweating in the bed and went out in the cold. DUMB ASS IDEA. I woke up today with my head feeling so heavy and with my body all hot with aching joints. I'm at work right now still coughing. My throat hurts so bad and I just want to lie down.

I guess my white cells followed suit with Sherwin's and were like fuck this, I'm tired of fighting.

Damn you, antibodies.

updateroni.

Hi. So I'm updating because this homey of mine, Vee (wuttup, gangsta? prodigeez, holler. bdfu.), has inpired me to post more. I swear, I've been getting inspiration from every direction lately.

Anyway, I'm expecting to have a lot more content for you guys (all three of you readers) since I got a couple projects coming up. One of which I posted a preview of in my previous post. By the way, I might be scrapping that image just because I'm a perfectionist when I actually care about something. You know how I do. Back to the drawing boards.

Oh and yes, I'm always saying how I only have 3 readers and shit because it's true. I only have 3 readers that I know of. I mean I'm hoping I have more but that's highly unlikely. I guess even on the internet, I'm socially retarded. It's my fault I guess, since my blogging has become more restrictive than when I was younger. I used to write anything and everything and not care. I used to be so open. I guess now I think too much and actually take into consideration that there are just some things that you can't put on a blog. I don't know where I'm going with this. Just trying to fill this text area lol.

In other news, my co-worker is acting particularly bitchy today. He must be on his rag or something. That's right, I said HE. Okaaaaay *snaps*

I'm gonna do my awesome weekend recap later when I get home. Toodle. Oo.

Damn, I haven't heard this song in a minuto caliente. J-j-jigga.