gold mine (?)

before a much needed girl's night out two saturdays ago, two of the best girls on the planet and i sat around with our poison of choice. of course you know, the best conversations happen during gutterfly pre-juice time.

me: i don't know, maybe i'm too much of one of the boys for anyone to notice me

r: are you crazy? what the fuck are you talking about?

me: i don't know. i'm like, not enough of a girl on a regular basis. i talk a lot of shit and i don't know... you know... sometimes i don't know how to be a girl anymore.

r: are you kidding? marie, you're a gold mine. you can chill with the best of 'em and you're beautiful and you're an amazing girlfriend -- whoever lands you hits the jackpot.

would it be hitting the jackpot though?

let's break it down:

i'm around guys all the time. who would want a girlfriend whose circle consists of 95% percent guy friends? that number is not an exaggeration either. my friends will always be on deck to tell me when a nigga is about to treat me like a nigga. and i love them for it. but can you imagine what that would be like for the guy -- whoever he is. because for real, no one and i mean NO ONE is trippin off me these days -- he can't sweet talk me, he can't lie to me. i got everything decoded for me already. i'm playing the game with a marked deck, know what i'm sayin? and for some guys, to not be able to play games with a girl is a no go. and another issue, how would you feel if your girl is around dudes 24/7 and i mean 24/7. i live with two guys. you feel me? it's hard to get a guy to believe that nothing is going on. even though there is REALLY NOTHING GOING ON. he's always going to think shit like -- guys and girls can never be on a platonic level with no sexual interest (wrong, cuz i'm living proof) or what if she walks out the shower in her towel, i don't want a bunch of other dudes lookin at my girl. lol guys are so territorial.

and another thing! i've gotten so comfortable with guys that i'm almost always in my chill clothes. you know, sweats and a hoodie. no one wants to look at a girl in her sweats all the damn time. lol people are shocked as fuck when they see me about to go out hair all done, makeup on point. motherfucker, i bullshit like you, i can out-drink most of you, hit that bowl harder than you -- but i clean up nice. just saying.

besides these things, i mean i have my own issues with it too.

i can love like only a woman can but at the same time i can be as emotionally unavailable as a man. because of all the shit i've seen and all the shit i know (on top of all the shit i've been through), i've built a wall so high and so strong that no one can break through or get over. it would take a very patient, very special guy to do so. you understand this dwindles my options to about slim to non-fucking-existent. so i'm pretty much fucked in that department.

with all that said... i like who i am, who i choose to associate myself with (even if it is 95% testosterone 5% estrogen) and if takes the rarest guy on the planet and it takes years for me to find him. then i'm ok with that. now if you can handle a girl who

... will tell you the truth even if it hurts

... you can't bullshit when it comes to the serious shit

... will laugh when you fall off the couch and bust your ass (c'mon, that's funny)

... will probably end up becoming friends (and just friends) with your boys

... has a mouth like a trucker, a liver like a tito, and lungs like wiz (ok maybe not like wiz)

i'm accepting applications. because as much work as it sounds to be able to deal with me, my girlfriend characteristics are pretty much on point. you'll just have to try to get over the wall to see what that's like.

oh and btw, thank you to my girl for making me think about this

and making me feel beautiful inside and out.