that friend.

i've been thinking about this for quite some time now.

i was at my friend's husband's birthday get together and i was in a bedroom talking with my vip (aka the girls i do, have always, and always will forever love to death). subject at hand: breast pumps. and of course the only one without a kid, i was lost in the conversation. mind you, it was also awkward because my friend was there with one titty out (she had a blanket over it ok) making wincy faces while she was pumping milk. sorry, i know, tmi. i had nothing to contribute to the convo and was standing there cracking jokes to make it less weird for myself. i felt left out.

a few days later, another friend of mine whom i met freshman year in highschool during gym (oh, the irony) was telling me about her husband.

she was talking about "don't tell anyone, but he has a bedside hairbrush."

with my famous sarcastic tone, i reply "he brushes his hair before going to sleep?... what? the standard 100 strokes? hawhaw"

with our famous wtf-do-you-think look and a dead serious voice she says "oh yes. 100 times."

and i got to thinking -- more like noticing -- i am the only one out of all my close friends that isn't married or at least in a steady relationship. i'm that friend. that friend that you see in those t.v. shows or in movies that needs to get it together. the last single friend. no responsibilities of having another life to take care of. i mean that part is good, because let's face it, i can barely take care of myself. but i'm like that friend that they have to be there for. the one that's always got the drama. i'm like that sister in those dyfunctional family holiday movies that you just look at the dinner table and think, why can't she just get it together? and honestly...

i don't know how i got here.

i mean, i know it's not bad being single. the loneliness and having to hear about other people being in love when you're not part sucks sometimes. and don't get me wrong, i love hearing about people being in love and especially about my friends being happy and in love. seeing them glow makes me happy, it really does. but sometimes, you know, you're just like -- well wtf? i wish i had husband or boyfriend with some weird ass habit i can share with my girls. LOL i know, right?

and it's not just with relationships either. career-wise? oh please. i'm so far from having it together that i've run out of quarters to feed the view-finder. i can't see it anymore. i feel like my career life is in this weird grey area where i keep on having to start over.

again, don't get it twisted.

i'm not saying i hate my life entirely.

i'm not saying i'm jealous of my friends. because i'm 1000%, head over heels, genuinely happy for them.

i'm just saying that, for once, i would love some stability. i don't even need to be married. shit, i don't know even know if i buy into the whole marriage thing. i can just goldie hawn it for the rest of my life and i'd be fine. i would just like to come home to something normal. i would like to not have to analyze a text message to death to see "where we are". when my girls ask me so how are things with so and so, i would like to not have to begin with: oh, let me telll you... --LMAO --

i don't even need to have a career right now either. it's just... some direction would be nice. just a path that i could follow and not have to worry about where my tomorrow lies. i guess you can say i brought this on myself. i should've been more responsible growing up. stuck to the books. high school. college. move out. married. kids. should've been in that order.

but i mean, what can you do? i'm a free-spirit (or i'd like to think i am) who didn't like to be told what to do. who didn't want to stick around my parent's house in the midst of all that drama. i did what i wanted to do and i did it by myself. which is the good part in all this. i can look at my life and think yeah, i'm experiencing a lot... on my own.

but sometimes... the stability.

oh, the stability. how i crave it. i'd love to experience sailing on calm waters and not worry what type of shit-storm is up ahead. i wonder what my life would've been like if i had stuck to what i call the cookie cutter life. god, imagine that? marie? in a steady job with a house and timely paid bills? what?

but you know what, right now? i'm fine being that friend.

because even though i don't have that stability and i don't have stories about boy hair habits and breast pumps... i have stories about the craziness in my life. i'll have stories to share with my nieces and nephews (mostly nephews, could one of you guys pop out a girl? who am i supposed to pass my fashion knowledge down to? and the shoes?) when they get older. or i mean, god forbid, i have a child -- imagine all the things i can share.

i mean, being that friend is pretty cool too.

but you know, i'm just sayin.