Somewhere

I've been thinking a lot about the Philippines lately. I was only there until I was 8 but I miss it a lot. I went through a lot in those 8 years and lately all those little flashbacks have been coming back. Particularly all the times my mom and I moved around. We had the one place we called home which was an apartment building in Manila that she and her siblings inherited from their parents. We lived in a bunch of cities and provinces but we always came back to that place. It was home, which is why I have the address tattooed on my body.

I don't really know why my mom moved us around a lot. Now that I think about it, I feel like my mom was on a constant search for happiness. When I think back on our experiences, I feel like we would be living somewhere for a bit and when she felt like she wasn't happy anymore or if something went awry, she would decide that it wasn't the place for us and she would pack us up and off we went. It wasn't like she ran away from problems or anything... though that's what it sounds like. She just liked to live where the vibes were positive. I guess that's where I get it from in the sense that I choose where to place myself or who to be friends with based off the vibes I get. My mom was kind of a hippie that way I guess.

I remember when I was about 3 or 4 (and yes, I can remember that far and sometimes even further back) we were living at this bar/restaurant place. They had housing for their employees near the spot. It was cool because it was like a hut and shit. I don't remember how we got there or how she even got the job. She ended up being the head chef at this spot and all the employees LOVED me. They'd let me run around the restaurant and at night when the dancefloor was on and poppin and the music would be playing, I'd be dancing around. I even remember being the one to give the patrons their checks and saying shit like "Thank you, did you guys like the food? my mom made it" in Tagalog of course. Then one night my mom packed me up in the middle of the night, we got in a tricycle and we went to the bus station. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I was in my aunt's bed in Laguna. At the time, I was like well, I guess we're staying here now. I didn't mind because everytime my mom and I moved somewhere, it was an adventure. I do kind of wonder why we left the restaurant though.

Aside from that memory of moving, I have a few more. When people ask me where in the Philippines I was from, I say everywhere and I really do mean everywhere. I lived in the city, I lived in provinces, I lived near a farm... I even lived in a beach house and met all different kinds of tourists. Like I said, my mom was in constant search for something. Was it happiness or maybe she couldn't decide where it would be best for us to live...? I know that if it hadn't been for her sister having cancer and my mom didn't have to move to Chicago, we would've stayed in the Philippines. And now that I've been reflecting on these things, it explains why this song is her and my dad's song. But I don't think this is their song, I think she meant it for us. I miss you, Amy.

There's a place for us

Somewhere a place for us

Peace and quiet and open air

Wait for us somewhere

There's a time for us

Someday a time for us

Time together with time to spare

Time to learn, time to care

Someday, somewhere

We'll find a new way of living

We'll find a way of forgiving somewhere

Yes, there's a place for each of us

A place of peace and quiet

And we must try to persue this place

Where love is like a passion that burns like a fire

And also fulfillment of two hearts' desire

Let our efforts be as determined as that of a little stream

That saunters down the hillside seeking its level

Only to become a huge river destined to the sea

Yes, there's a place for us

Somewhere a place for us

Hold my hand and were halfway there

Hold my hand and I'll take you there

Somehow, someday

Somewhere

Hold my hand and were halfway there

Hold my hand and I'll take you there

Somehow, someday

Somewhere

duh times a gillion.

i'm witnessing the same situation with two different sets of people and frankly, girls are stupid. (this applies to some guys too, some of you get stupid)

i mean, i knew this before. shit, i'm stupid too sometimes. but not in the over-the-line-do-you-not-have-any-common-sense-duh way. i mean, i've fallen in love and played the dumb ass ex-girlfriend "let me look at his fb/myspace/friendster to see which ugly bitch he dumped me for" role too. in other words, i'm stupid but low-key LOL. but i mean, part of me understands and even sympathizes but the thing is: why you tryina infiltrate his circle of friends, idiot?

seriously. yes, during the breakup, you got custody of his dvd's, all the pictures, and his favorite hoodie (and trust me, he is beating himself up over that one). but sweetheart, you did not win custody of his friends. shit, technically, you shouldn't even have visitation rights. why are you texting/calling/fb'ing/IM'ing/tweeting/whatever other social network method of stalking there is out there'ing his best friend (of all people) for advice about him and asking dumb ass questions? do you not know that:

a. he is going to tell your ex-boyfriend? which in turn will make you look even crazier and will turn him off even more.

b. we all know you're doing it and (i'm sorry) we're laughing about it. yes girl, when you asked that one r'tard question (i won't even say which one, just pick one), he read it out loud and we all simultaneously said YES.

c. that's his boy. even if your ex cheated on you and had 8 babies by 8 different baby mamas behind your back, he is never going to have YOUR back over his best friend. when you two broke up, who do you think organized the "fuck that bitch, on to the next" boys night out?

fucking duh.

i mean, i can understand that yes, while you were dating your ex, you established a rapport with his best friend. maybe exchanged numbers, became buddy buddy. but you had to have known it wasn't going to be an actual, for real "fuck how my friend feels, let me convince him to get back with your crazy ass" deep friendship. you can't ask him to be driving your ass to and from the airport. there are boundaries, lady!

OR!

and maybe this is just me but, i have this theory that these girls do this because boys aren't really allowed to tell girls that we're being stupid bitches. boys that aren't OUR friends i mean. your exes friend is never going to tell you that you're being a dumbass. like i said, "shit, if she texted me that and asked me some stupid shit. i'd tell her to stop being an idiot and get over it already." that's 'cause i'm a girl and we can say that to each other. we can, right? shit, i tell my girlfriends the truf all the time. maybe that's why she won't ask her own friends. *shrug*

anyway, my point is, stop being stupid and just let it go. your ex telling you "i don't want to talk to you, please go away" doesn't in any way, shape, or form translate into "go bug my friends for more info." no fine print. no hidden messages. just -- go the fuck away. i'm not saying you have to pretend these people don't exist. it's ok to say hello at a bar or on the street. maybe a little small talk, friendly well-wishing, and all those things polite people do. even better if the sentiment is genuine and you really do care that your ex's bff is doing well and is no longer at that job that he hates or with that other crazy girl who tried to run his life. but don't go asking for advice on what to do about his friend. even worse, do NOT go asking about your ex's new dating endeavors. the shit doesn't look cool. i know it's hard but you have to let go. i've been there. i even tried to stay friends with an ex's sister and sometimes i'd ask about him and it was heartbreaking everytime. just accept the fact that when you break up you lose his friends, his family, and all access to information about his lovelife after you. i mean, unless of course you hear through the grapevine (aka the shit's full blast on facebook -- which by the way, why haven't you deleted him yet? know what i'm sayin?).


think about it: wouldn't it only hurt you more to know, anyway? unless you're into that masochistic, self-inflicted pain type shit, then i don't know what to tell you.

yeah, seriously.

"aye man, all is fair in love and war -- unless of course you gettin' ya ass whooped."

pass you by.

the problem with loving hard is that you end up gripping too tight. when it's time to let go, it's damn near impossible. jus' sayin.

if you don't know, now you know.

i'm not particularly articulate or deep with my words. especially if i'm trying to express my feelings. i just put it simply, with marie's famous twist of sarcasm and humor. that's how i deal. i would say 85% of the time, i won't even say anything. i'll suck it up and adjust my feelings to avoid confrontation.

a person can only adjust so much before they break.

i can only turn my cheek so my many times before my neck starts to hurt and i can't take it anymore. know what i'm saying?

i get it, this is what it was like before i got here. i get it, this is what the "lifestyle" is like. i even get the fact that i did something i wasn't supposed to do, thus landing myself in this situation.

i get it because i made the effort to understand.

so doesn't the golden rule apply? duh.

i feel like no one gave the effort to understand me. like you didn't turn yourself around and think "why is she seeing it differently than me?" i wasn't asked any questions. if i was, my answers were disregarded and i got the vibe that people thought i was just being a bitch.

you don't get why i'm upset about noise because you didn't make the effort to realize that i need peace and quiet when i walk in from a long day.

you don't get why i'm upset about mess because you didn't make the effort to realize that i consider leaving a mess disrespectful of "our home". and granted, my room is crazy messy but i don't subject anyone else to it in common areas.

you don't get why i'm upset seeing you do what you're doing because not only am i still bitter (there, i admitted it) but because i care about you and i don't want to think of you as that kind of person. you don't know because you never asked. i just feel like you were indifferent and didn't really care if you were hurting me or not. you don't know how much damage you actually did because you didn't stand back and look at the wreckage. or i don't know, maybe you did and you got the impression that it was ok.

i have a strong threshold for pain but come on now, my heart is about to blow the fuck up.

i never thought i was better than anyone. i never meant to walk around with this supposed chip on my shoulder (eww, get it off). don't mistake my being annoyed for that. judgemental is probably one of the worse things you can say about me to me because i'm so the opposite. i'm one of the first people who look past the flaws because i have so many of my own. i'm one the type to chime in and say "cmon now, they're not even like that." when shit-talking gets real. especially when it's about someone i consider a true friend. you don't know how many times i defended you. why would i defend you if i thought i was out of your league? season that shit and let it marinate.

i pride myself in being flexible in a sense that i like meeting people, doesn't matter how different they are from me. what was that thing my friend called me the other night?... oh yeah, adaptable. i know there are some people that i choose not to associate myself with. but trust me when i say this: i have never hated or judged someone based on monetary/social status, color, past mistakes, education, religion, or culture (shit, the more culture i have in my life, the better). i choose to associate myself with people whose energy, vibe, morals, heart appealed to me. i'm aware i talk shit and my mouth is uncontrollable but i've never genuinely hated or wished malice on anyone. i really do love everybody unless they give me a valid reason to feel otherwise because (and i had this conversation with kayleigh. this might've been when i fell in love with her)... we're all on this planet to learn about each other... all we have to do is be considerate and make an effort to understand each other. that's only possible if we communicate and are considerate of each other's feelings. unfortunately, i'm not the best with initiating communication... this is where the two way street card comes into play.

i'm considerate of you and think of situations from my angle and yours.

life according to amy: rule #9

"when choosing who to trust, consider the quality of time of your association and then the quantity..."

-mom

timing

why are we so obsessed with timing? or actually... why am i so obsessed with timing? there's never a good or right time for everything! you know what i mean though right? there's never a good time to break up... when's the right time to talk to someone new... there's never a good time to quit a job you're unhappy doing. there's never a good time to break bad news to your friends.

well you know what? fuck waiting for the right time. i'm just gonna accept that there's never a "right" time for the things i mentioned (or much of anything else really). i'll just accept that these things are inevitable in life. i'm just gonna play the fuck it game (skins season 2, educate yourselves). whenever something feels right, i'm not gonna consider the timing. i'm just gonna say fuck it and go for it.

i mean for someone who is constantly a victim of bad timing, i sure do care a lot. and why? timing's never worked in my favor. so fuck it.

playing hide n' seek

not the traditional game that we all know and love. more like hiding in my little hole (from my friends, the blog, what have you) because i'm trying to look for the right way, the right words to express how i've been feeling lately. and just in case you're remedial, that's the seek part. that was harsh. whatever. i always look for the right words to say as to not reveal too much of myself. the right words as to not hurt anyone because in all honesty, that's the kind of person i am. i would rather pent it all up and hurt myself than hurt those around me. but as long as we're being honest here: if the people you are trying to protect don't give a shit about hurting you, then what the fuck?

so here it is, not more hiding. no more seeking to find more delicate words to sugarcoat because what's the point?

these past few months, i've felt every emotion in the book. love to hate. appreciated to just plain used. from blessed to cheated. cheated in a sense that i feel like i'm not getting back even half of what i put out there. yeah, yeah, we should love our friends and family unconditionally without expecting a reward. but damn, how about to the point where you get tired of giving or being there cuz guess what? when you need something or someone just to be there, where the hell is everyone? suddenly phones aren't working. people are too busy? what the hell? "i got problems ain't nobody callin' back, so what the fuck is happenin w/ my ballin cats?" damn, i feel that. on the other end of the spectrum, there are people who came and caught me when i was falling and these were people i didn't expect. as he says "shit came out of nowhere, huh?" call it good luck, good timing... i'm just relieved they were there when i was about to go SPLAT... and for that i feel blessed.

and i always say this. it would be easier if my mom were around but i'm beginning to accept (finally) that she isn't. i can't just hit 2 on my phone (cuz you know, 1 is voicemail) and ask her what i should do or make her listen to me just cry. i'm just going to have to face the fact that i really do have to face everything without her. she was right all those years we fought when she said "you'll be sorry when i'm gone".

at this point, i'm kind of exhausted. mentally and physically. i can't even feel anything anymore. i can't even write, i can't even visualize anything creative. because of that other people, not just me, are paying the price. i've promised people i would design things, put together a website for them and i haven't been able to deliver. and if you read this, and you know who you are, i'm deeply sorry. at this point, i'm just hoping i've felt every bad thing i'm supposed to feel so that healing can start.

count wacktacula.

I was driving home today and realized his test in L.A. is this week and I got all sad. THEN I realized he's leaving me in January which gives me what? Like 8-9 weekends left with him to go out, drink 40s at the club, chikka chikka dinners, walks through Bucktown (the "should I return this, should I keep it" game), splitting noodles at Zen, breakfasts at midnight at White Pal... then I got even sadder. Fuck. I'm going to miss my Count Wacktacula.

ibetcha i can! err... maybe.

So my boyfriend and I bet that I would lose an X number of pounds by December. We made this bet like 2 months ago. TWO MONTHS AGO. I've already lost a good amount but I'm gonna need to step up my game if I'm gonna win. Problem is, I'm sorta lacking in the motivation department. It seems as if I'm really not motivated to do anything lately. I have a couple of goals that I need to meet by december:

1. Lose that weight and win the damn bet

2. Get a new job because this one pays so shitty AND they're making me work ALL the holidays. Yeah, apparently us night-shifters don't deserve a Christmas or NYE. Well, FUCK THAT.

Anyways, so I'm betting MYSELF that I could reach these goals. I need to motivate myself more. So I had this great idea of posting up little motivational quotes around my apartment. Anyone got any good ones?

And something totally off subject, I want a Long Champ bag =)