playing hide n' seek

not the traditional game that we all know and love. more like hiding in my little hole (from my friends, the blog, what have you) because i'm trying to look for the right way, the right words to express how i've been feeling lately. and just in case you're remedial, that's the seek part. that was harsh. whatever. i always look for the right words to say as to not reveal too much of myself. the right words as to not hurt anyone because in all honesty, that's the kind of person i am. i would rather pent it all up and hurt myself than hurt those around me. but as long as we're being honest here: if the people you are trying to protect don't give a shit about hurting you, then what the fuck?

so here it is, not more hiding. no more seeking to find more delicate words to sugarcoat because what's the point?

these past few months, i've felt every emotion in the book. love to hate. appreciated to just plain used. from blessed to cheated. cheated in a sense that i feel like i'm not getting back even half of what i put out there. yeah, yeah, we should love our friends and family unconditionally without expecting a reward. but damn, how about to the point where you get tired of giving or being there cuz guess what? when you need something or someone just to be there, where the hell is everyone? suddenly phones aren't working. people are too busy? what the hell? "i got problems ain't nobody callin' back, so what the fuck is happenin w/ my ballin cats?" damn, i feel that. on the other end of the spectrum, there are people who came and caught me when i was falling and these were people i didn't expect. as he says "shit came out of nowhere, huh?" call it good luck, good timing... i'm just relieved they were there when i was about to go SPLAT... and for that i feel blessed.

and i always say this. it would be easier if my mom were around but i'm beginning to accept (finally) that she isn't. i can't just hit 2 on my phone (cuz you know, 1 is voicemail) and ask her what i should do or make her listen to me just cry. i'm just going to have to face the fact that i really do have to face everything without her. she was right all those years we fought when she said "you'll be sorry when i'm gone".

at this point, i'm kind of exhausted. mentally and physically. i can't even feel anything anymore. i can't even write, i can't even visualize anything creative. because of that other people, not just me, are paying the price. i've promised people i would design things, put together a website for them and i haven't been able to deliver. and if you read this, and you know who you are, i'm deeply sorry. at this point, i'm just hoping i've felt every bad thing i'm supposed to feel so that healing can start.