amy

mom: (after someone cuts her off on the road) OK JERK ASS!

me: man, we hang out too much

I miss you so much, mom. I love you and I'm sorry

Somewhere

I've been thinking a lot about the Philippines lately. I was only there until I was 8 but I miss it a lot. I went through a lot in those 8 years and lately all those little flashbacks have been coming back. Particularly all the times my mom and I moved around. We had the one place we called home which was an apartment building in Manila that she and her siblings inherited from their parents. We lived in a bunch of cities and provinces but we always came back to that place. It was home, which is why I have the address tattooed on my body.

I don't really know why my mom moved us around a lot. Now that I think about it, I feel like my mom was on a constant search for happiness. When I think back on our experiences, I feel like we would be living somewhere for a bit and when she felt like she wasn't happy anymore or if something went awry, she would decide that it wasn't the place for us and she would pack us up and off we went. It wasn't like she ran away from problems or anything... though that's what it sounds like. She just liked to live where the vibes were positive. I guess that's where I get it from in the sense that I choose where to place myself or who to be friends with based off the vibes I get. My mom was kind of a hippie that way I guess.

I remember when I was about 3 or 4 (and yes, I can remember that far and sometimes even further back) we were living at this bar/restaurant place. They had housing for their employees near the spot. It was cool because it was like a hut and shit. I don't remember how we got there or how she even got the job. She ended up being the head chef at this spot and all the employees LOVED me. They'd let me run around the restaurant and at night when the dancefloor was on and poppin and the music would be playing, I'd be dancing around. I even remember being the one to give the patrons their checks and saying shit like "Thank you, did you guys like the food? my mom made it" in Tagalog of course. Then one night my mom packed me up in the middle of the night, we got in a tricycle and we went to the bus station. I fell asleep and when I woke up, I was in my aunt's bed in Laguna. At the time, I was like well, I guess we're staying here now. I didn't mind because everytime my mom and I moved somewhere, it was an adventure. I do kind of wonder why we left the restaurant though.

Aside from that memory of moving, I have a few more. When people ask me where in the Philippines I was from, I say everywhere and I really do mean everywhere. I lived in the city, I lived in provinces, I lived near a farm... I even lived in a beach house and met all different kinds of tourists. Like I said, my mom was in constant search for something. Was it happiness or maybe she couldn't decide where it would be best for us to live...? I know that if it hadn't been for her sister having cancer and my mom didn't have to move to Chicago, we would've stayed in the Philippines. And now that I've been reflecting on these things, it explains why this song is her and my dad's song. But I don't think this is their song, I think she meant it for us. I miss you, Amy.

There's a place for us

Somewhere a place for us

Peace and quiet and open air

Wait for us somewhere

There's a time for us

Someday a time for us

Time together with time to spare

Time to learn, time to care

Someday, somewhere

We'll find a new way of living

We'll find a way of forgiving somewhere

Yes, there's a place for each of us

A place of peace and quiet

And we must try to persue this place

Where love is like a passion that burns like a fire

And also fulfillment of two hearts' desire

Let our efforts be as determined as that of a little stream

That saunters down the hillside seeking its level

Only to become a huge river destined to the sea

Yes, there's a place for us

Somewhere a place for us

Hold my hand and were halfway there

Hold my hand and I'll take you there

Somehow, someday

Somewhere

Hold my hand and were halfway there

Hold my hand and I'll take you there

Somehow, someday

Somewhere

life according to amy: rule #9

"when choosing who to trust, consider the quality of time of your association and then the quantity..."

-mom

there isn't a single day...

that i don't think about that smile
that i don't miss your corny jokes and your cute little catch phrases (ops, wrong number)
sometimes i even miss arguing with you.
i miss us yelling at each other and hanging up then calling back like nothing happened
i know, that's kinda fucked up but i miss that shit.
i miss your cooking!
even though everyone says i got that shit down to a T,
it's just not the same as when you cooked it for me
i just want some adobo, kare kare, eggrolls, ube, leche flan...
even one of your simple eggplant omelet thingies would be great right about now.
there isn't a single day that i don't wish you were just a phone call away
everyday i look for that wakeup call at 7am (the ones you used to give me even on my day off, thanks)
every night i miss you blowin up my phone starting at 10pm to ask where i am

where are you now? it's 10:30!
mom, i'm 23!
so?

thanks to you, i need the goodnight, sweet dreams every night otherwise i can't sleep.
there's so many things i want to tell you and ask you
hopefully i'll have the chance on those nights that i'm lucky enough to see you in my dreams.
i miss all these things and a million things more.
i just miss you... and not just today... but every day. every second, even.
i love you, mom. see you in my dreams

- netnet

miss amy

my co-worker was telling me about how her mom gave her two pounds of this salad she liked from jewel and it made me think of my mom. how she'd know what to get for me at the grocery store, at the drive-thru, or even at the randomest store (she'd buy me a little random knick knack she found amusing because she knew i would find it funny too). she used to separate my picadillo from the rest of the batch before she added raisins cuz she knew i hated them. she would set aside a portion of any dish that contained liver before she added it cuz she knew liver made me gag.

she knew what i liked to eat, how i liked to be treated when i was on my emo bullshit, who i didn't want to talk to (without even asking me), which jokes would make me laugh, what to say to make my worries go away, how to tell me i was being a crazy idiot without calling me a crazy idiot, how to hug me so that I wouldn't feel alone... she just knew me.

i miss amy.